In it I was coming back from somewhere and Thomas was just laying there alive and healthy. In my dream it wasn't strange that he was alive, I just walked over and picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket and laid down with him to take a nap together.
I woke up so happy, bursting with joy, but then I realized that of coarse it was a dream and it hadn't really happened. I've dreamed about Thomas only a few times and he has never been alive in my dreams before.
I've been a little down all day thinking about Thomas, thinking about wanting to have another baby and not being able to.
On that note I have a doctors appointment next week to discuss of secondary infertility. Yikes. I'm really scared for this appointment. I'm scared they will say there is something wrong, but I'm also scared that they'll say theres nothing wrong and that we just aren't conceiving for some unknown reason.
Lately we've been getting a lot of questions about when we are going to try again, which just leads to awkward conversation about how we have been trying for over a year now.
Specifically I overheard someone asking my mother in law, and I quote "Well what are they waiting for? Its been a year and half since he died." Its really painful to hear things like, when if things had gone our way we would already have a few month old baby right now.
I have no idea what the future holds for us. I don't know if we will ever be blessed with more children, but I have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.
Sometimes I think dreams are comforting tender mercies - as if Heavenly Father (and Thomas for that matter) are letting you know he's doing well. And that he's near you. I've had only a precious few dreams along that vein - but the feelings resonate for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you overheard that type of conversation with Anna. Child-rearing and the timing is such a personal decision. Having gone through all that infertility stuff, I try to be esp. sensitive to asking anything along those lines. And almost nothing you can say or hear from others is helpful - it all strikes a painful chord.
I am already missing working with you in Cub Scouts - it was something I was looking forward to. But at least it brought us into a closer association and for that I'm grateful.
I am sorry! It will all work out how it is supposed to.
ReplyDeleteTami, I am so sorry. I cried for you when I read this. I know that there are no words I can say that will make you feel better. I do know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and He loves you so much. Keep leaning on Him and He will help carry you through your hard days. And every once in a while, He will give you a gift to help lift you up. I can't even imagine how wonderful it was to see your baby boy!!! God truly is great and good!
ReplyDeleteOh Tami, it pains me to hear this but I admire the faith you have in Heavenly Father and I agree with Rachael that I feel dreams can be tender mercies too. You will be in our prayers and excited to hear how the doctor goes!
ReplyDeleteThe picture of you and Thomas is so precious. I love Rachael's thought about your dream being a tender mercy. Thank you for sharing your experiences to help those who have gone through similar things, and also for those who haven't to help them have more empathy and understanding. Sending love and hugs!
ReplyDelete