Pregnancy after loss

I knew that when we got pregnant again it was going to be hard.  I knew that I would overthink every little thing, being afraid that if I overlooked or assumed again that we would come home empty handed again.  We've been told time and time again by our doctor that the chances of having another stillborn are almost non-existent, but it doesn't get rid of anxiety.

Now that I am 21 weeks, I'm feeling this little lady every day, and actually have been since I was 15 weeks.  However, when doing my gender ultrasound, they found that my placenta is on top, which makes it harder to detect movement, but includes no other problem, thankfully.

I actually held things together really well until I started feeling Penny move.  If anything her movement has made me more paranoid for the times that I don't feel her.  With the placenta on top I only feel her 1-2 times a day, and it is never consistent.  The doctor said that as she grows I'll feel her more and that her movement will become regular like my other two pregnancies.

Its hard to be upbeat that everything will be fine, because I know that it always isn't.  I have never been so scared/anxious to have an ultrasound done.  I was so sure that they were going to find something wrong, but she really is a perfect little girl.

Its taken a lot of will power to not drop by the doctors office a few times a week to have a heartbeat check, but I'm really trying to have faith that everything will work out.

I know that getting pregnant when we did was best time, even though it was an incredibly difficult trial to conceive, on top of the trial of loosing Thomas.  I would have been a mess if we gotten pregnant again when I originally wanted to.   At least now, I can mainly deal with it.

Unexplained Infertility

I thought I would post an update about our journey to adding a third child to our family.  Maybe I'm sharing too much, but I know that I am a super curious person, and so I'll put it out there.

After several tests, and doctors appointments we got the official prognosis today, unexplained infertility.

Our doctor is completely stumped.

We both checked out perfectly healthy, and especially with conceiving easily twice before, he has no explanation.  We'll start a fertility drug next month to see if that can get the ball rolling for us.  He has been really patient in taking all of our questions and phone calls.

So right now we are just in the waiting place.  The same place we have been for almost a year in a half.  Its really frustrating and also very humbling.

This whole ordeal has just really shown me that its all in the Lords hands.  He will bless us with a child when the time is right for our family.  Its also given me empathy for others who have to go through this very difficult trial.

We'll just try and enjoy this time with our sweet little Ellie.

A dream and nothing more

I had the best dream of my life last night.

In it I was coming back from somewhere and Thomas was just laying there alive and healthy.   In my dream it wasn't strange that he was alive, I just walked over and picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket and laid down with him to take a nap together.

I woke up so happy, bursting with joy, but then I realized that of coarse it was a dream and it hadn't really happened.  I've dreamed about Thomas only a few times and he has never been alive in my dreams before.

I've been a little down all day thinking about Thomas, thinking about wanting to have another baby and not being able to.

 On that note I have a doctors appointment next week to discuss of secondary infertility.  Yikes.  I'm really scared for this appointment.  I'm scared they will say there is something wrong, but I'm also scared that they'll say theres nothing wrong and that we just aren't conceiving for some unknown reason.

Lately we've been getting a lot of questions about when we are going to try again, which just leads to awkward conversation about how we have been trying for over a year now.

Specifically I overheard someone asking my mother in law, and I quote "Well what are they waiting for?  Its been a year and half since he died."  Its really painful to hear things like, when if things had gone our way we would already have a few month old baby right now.

I have no idea what the future holds for us.  I don't know if we will ever be blessed with more children, but I have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family.