Last Days in San Diego

Andy was busy all through the Christmas break applying to graduate school.  We prayed he would get in to one, and we are thrilled that he has gotten into 6 different programs with funding provided at each school!

After that we decided it would be wisest to move back to Utah and stay with Andy's parents to save money before moving again in the fall.  We had to go to our favorite places a few more times before we left!

We went to our favorite donut place, The Donut Bar, twice.

We also went to the zoo a few more times, and to a botanical garden and pie place that Andy has been wanting to go to for a while now.

Ellie was bummed to be leaving her school but was happy that she got to be there for 100 days, Valentines and to be star student.

Ellie has an admirer named Roger who was always bringing her presents 

I can say that I don't recommend moving while you are 30 weeks pregnant, and have a 2 year old, but there we are.

Not ashamed to say that Penny watched a ton of TV the last week we were there

Other highlights include going to the beach one last time with the girls best friends, Tommy and Alex.  We will miss their whole family so much!

Ellie also learned how to tie her shoes, we went to Balboa Park, and celebrated Galentines Day.

Ovaries before Brovaries

The first Cafe Rio in San Diego opened and we went a ton of times! They had amazing deals.

I won't be sad to leave the crowds and cost of San Diego.  But I will miss the amazing people we met there, and the beautiful beaches.

Baby #4!

Pretty soon after we had Penny had a nagging feeling that someone was saying "I'm here, don't forget about me".  I knew we had another baby, but also knew that it way to soon to be adding another baby.  When Penny turned 18 months, May, Andy and I started talking more and more about it. In July I went off birth control and we were going to just see what happens.

A few weeks later I felt pretty confident I wasn't pregnant, with our timing and just coming off birth control I just didn't think it had happened.  We were going to Disneyland and since I hadn't started my period I took  a pregnancy test on a whim just make sure before I went on any roller coasters.

I was shocked when a positive result came up almost immediately!

I ran out and told Andy and we were so happy!  I suppose it worked out with Disneyland because even though I couldn't go any big rides, we needed someone to sit off with Penny anyways!

We announced it when I was 8 weeks and everything has been going pretty well.

I've been pretty tired, but the sickness is gone.

18 weeks

Baby boy is due April 12th, but I'll be induced on March 29th! We can't wait!

The final countdown

We are having a baby in two weeks.  Two weeks!

This pregnancy has gone by pretty fast surprisingly.   I'm 36 weeks and being induced on the 24th when I'm 38 weeks.

Penny is low giving the signs that she will be ready to come. At my 36 week check-up I was 75% effaced and 2 1/2 cm dilated.  Ellie is so excited.  She talks about Penny all day long.  She also talks to my stomach all day long, and gives it a hug and kiss every night before she goes to bed.

Everything is ready for her to come.  Clothes washed, diapers bought, bed set up, we just need her.  Part of me was very hesitant to set things up and be ready for her, because I did that with Thomas and didn't bring home a baby.  But my mantra this whole pregnancy has been to not let fear fuel my decisions.

I'm pretty proud of myself for only going into Labor and Delivery once in a panic.  (Everything was fine)

Tonight Ellie and I went out to dinner just the two of us, since Andy had a work dinner.  I realized this will be the last time for a long time that Ellie and I will go out do something jus the two of us.  I love her so much and I so excited to see her be a big sister.

Pregnancy after loss

I knew that when we got pregnant again it was going to be hard.  I knew that I would overthink every little thing, being afraid that if I overlooked or assumed again that we would come home empty handed again.  We've been told time and time again by our doctor that the chances of having another stillborn are almost non-existent, but it doesn't get rid of anxiety.

Now that I am 21 weeks, I'm feeling this little lady every day, and actually have been since I was 15 weeks.  However, when doing my gender ultrasound, they found that my placenta is on top, which makes it harder to detect movement, but includes no other problem, thankfully.

I actually held things together really well until I started feeling Penny move.  If anything her movement has made me more paranoid for the times that I don't feel her.  With the placenta on top I only feel her 1-2 times a day, and it is never consistent.  The doctor said that as she grows I'll feel her more and that her movement will become regular like my other two pregnancies.

Its hard to be upbeat that everything will be fine, because I know that it always isn't.  I have never been so scared/anxious to have an ultrasound done.  I was so sure that they were going to find something wrong, but she really is a perfect little girl.

Its taken a lot of will power to not drop by the doctors office a few times a week to have a heartbeat check, but I'm really trying to have faith that everything will work out.

I know that getting pregnant when we did was best time, even though it was an incredibly difficult trial to conceive, on top of the trial of loosing Thomas.  I would have been a mess if we gotten pregnant again when I originally wanted to.   At least now, I can mainly deal with it.

Pregnant

April 6th-
I found out today that we are pregnant!  I stared at the test over and over again, and I couldn't believe that it said "pregnant".  I ran downstairs and told Ellie and sank to my knees crying and said a prayer thanking Heavenly Father for this blessing.
I got dressed really fast and went to Andy's work and Ellie told him that "Mommy had a baby in her belly."  He was so excited.  We all are.
The baby is due December 8th but I'll probably be induced November 24th.
Please grow and be healthy little baby!

8 Weeks-

My body definitely knows what it is doing this time around.  My stomach popped out around 6 weeks.
I went to the doctor and he said that everything is looking great, and the baby has a really strong heartbeat.  He assured me that he would do all he could so that I would be as comfortable as possible with this pregnancy.  He said that I should never hesitate to come in for a heartbeat check, because my peace of mind was very important to him.

This baby was conceived with out any fertility drug. My doctor thinks a test I had done must have cleared a minor blockage in my fallopian tubes that was preventing pregnancy.

 Ellie is so excited!  She talks to and and kisses my belly everyday.  She is telling everyone, so there wasn't much point to keeping it a secret.

I feel a lot of peace with this pregnancy and I am so grateful.

Anne Shirley gets me

I recently read a blog post about how great Gilbert Blythe is.  I agree.  I've always loved the Anne of Green Gables series.  I grew up watching the first two movies (not the awful 3rd one) and later I devoured the books.

When I read her post, it reminded me that Anne and Gilbert loose their first child shortly after birth.  I was curious to reads Anne's thoughts and feeling on this, because I've always strongly identified with her character.

"CARROTS!"

I picked up the last two books at the library and I was not disappointed.  Everything that was in that book was feelings and thoughts I've had, but have not necessarily been able to put into words.

• "Kindly callers hurt her, too, with the well-meant platitudes with which they strove to cover the nakedness of bereavement."
•  "Oh, everybody has been so dear and good and lovely to me, Marilla.  I'm not ungrateful- and perhaps- when this horrible ache grows a little less- I'll find that I can go on living."

So many people came over and wanted to talk to us, give advice, comfort, anything they could.  In my heart I knew they did it from a place of love, but it didn't help.  Sometimes I was rude and wouldn't come out at all.  It wasn't that I wasn't grateful, but there is only so many times you can hear how people are sorry for your loss.

•  "It doesn't seem fair," said Anne rebelliously. "Babies are born and live where they are not wanted-where they will be neglected- where they will have no chance.  I would have loved my baby so- and cared for it so tenderly- and tried to give her every chance for good.  And yet I wasn't allowed to keep her."

Even still, when I hear stories of abused, neglected children it makes me sick.  Those people got to keep their babies but I didn't get to keep mine.  I know that it is all Gods plan and that Thomas was never meant for this earth, but sometimes I can't help having feelings of resentment.

•  "But it seems as if a part of me was buried over there in that little harbour graveyard-and it hurts so much that I'm afraid of life."

A part of me is very much buried in Utah.  That care free girl, whose life was basically untouched by sorrow, she doesn't exist anymore.

• "The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

I've had this feeling so much since we lost Thomas.  Especially when the topic of other children comes up.  We already have Ellie and she is such a joy and a blessing.  I honestly don't know what I would have done the last 8 months with out her.  But sometimes when I'm singing to her, or were playing or she learns something new, a sadness enters my heart, because these are things that I won't get to experience with Thomas in this life.  Then there is considering when to have more children.  It was a tough decision to make, but we are trying again to bring another precious soul into our family.  We don't know when we will be blessed to conceive again, but I know it will be a terrifying, and difficult experience.  Especially with not letting fear rule the pregnancy and enjoying the time that I am pregnant.

• "They tell me you have seven children," said Christne..."Only six living", said Anne, wincing.  Even yet she could never think of little Joyce without pain."

Finally there is always the incredibly confusing and panic inducing question of have many children do we have.  I have an internal struggle every time.  Do I say 2 and explain about Thomas and make things awkward, or do I just say 1 and keep it casual?  Every time I battle with myself what to say.  I usually say 2 and quickly explain, but sometimes, I just say 1.  It just depends.

I'm so glad I was able to read these books and connect with Anne Shirley in a new way.  It was very therapeutic to do.

p.s. This is my favorite picture of Thomas.  And took it the morning we had to leave the hospital.  I looked over at Thomas in his bassinet and the sun was streaming in through the window and he looked so peaceful, and I asked Andy to take a picture.

Ellie's birth story revisted

I decided to re-write Ellie's birth story, because the other one isn't very good, and I want it for our family history.

On my due date I went to the doctor, and I was only 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced.  Ellie hadn't even dropped yet, so it was looking like she was going to be staying in there for a while longer.  We scheduled an induction for August 27th, 6 days past my due date.  I tried everything durning the next week to try and kick start labor, and nothing was working.  The good thing about Ellie taking her time was that it gave my parents a chance to get to Idaho, and it also coincided with my sister Kathryn being in the area as well.

Friday night we checked into the hospital and they gave me a pill that would help me efface more and be ready to be to be induced the next morning.  We had to watch a few videos about baby CPR, and how you shouldn't shake your baby if your mad, which I thought was common sense, but I guess not.  Saturday morning at 7:45 they started me on pictocin and the real fun got started.  When the first couple of contractions came, I was thinking that labor was going to be a breeze.  Why was everyone complaining about how bad contractions hurt, and then about an hour later real contractions started coming and I realized that there was no way I was going to be feeling this whole time.  The bad thing about the contractions, besides the pain, was that Ellie's heart rate dropped every time I had one and I had to stay on my right side because that was when she did the best.  Around 9:30 I asked for an epidural and it was heaven!  I instantly felt so much better, and I even took a nap for about an hour.  Andy was so amazing during all of this!  He was right by side the entire time, and wanted to do anything for me to make me more comfortable.

Andy waiting

At 1:00 the nurse came to check on me and I was dilated to a 10!  I couldn't believe it was almost time to push and meet our little girl!  She called the doctor and at I started to push.  While I pushing Ellie's heart rate would plummet, and the doctor thought that the cord might be around her neck and so he decided to use forceps to help get her out a little faster.  So after only 6 hours of labor, and 10 minutes of pushing, we had our beautiful Ellie!  She weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces and was 19 inches long.  The cord wasn't wrapped around her neck but it was basically falling apart which accounts for the low heart beat.  The doctor said he had never personally seen this before and had only read about it.  Thank goodness we didn't wait any longer to be induced because it could have turned out really bad!  As it was Ellie had to spend about 20 minutes in the NICU to help regulate her breathing and it was so hard to wait to hold her again.  They let me hold her while a while and then decided to take her there.  We are so blessed that it was all the time she had to be there, and she was perfectly fine after that.

Holding Ellie for the first time

Warming up in the NICU

Perfection 

It was pretty smooth sailing after the delivery and we spent one more night in the hospital before we were cleared to go home.  Madison Memorial does a fun thing were before you leave the hospital they give you a special dinner for you and your husband.  It was fun to have the mini sparkling ciders and be pampered a bit before we went home and reality hit.

We are so happy to have our sweet Ellie and I really can't believe that she'll be 2 in just few months, and I really can't believe that she'll have a little brother in just one more month!

Nesting

I don't understand where the powerful urge to nest comes from.  I'm 34 weeks and I just feel like I need to get everything set up, clothes washed, diapers purchased, bag packed for the hospital right now!  I try and rationalize with myself that I still have 6 weeks left and have plenty of time, but its impossible to ignore the urge to get everything ready.

This is going above Thomas' changing table

I've made a pretty sizable list of things to do and clean, we'll see how committed I am as I get bigger and more tired.