When things aren't going according to plan

There is something that we have really been struggling with, some people know, some people don't.  We are trying to have another baby.  The decision to have another baby was easy, we knew we wanted more children, and we knew that any other children we have will never replace Thomas. 

Here's the part we have been struggling with.  Its been 8 months.  I know, shut your face Tami.  I feel guilty even writing this because I have dear friends who struggle with infertility and I should not be complaining.  Especially when we have had two beautiful, perfect children.  But here's the crutch, it still is tearing me up.  With Ellie it took 2 months, and with Thomas we got pregnant the first month we tried.

Miss Ellie at 30 weeks

Every month is this roller coaster of emotions.  I try so hard not to get my hopes up, but I do and they come crashing down around me.

I read a few blogs that other women write that have had stillborn babies.  Two of the them especially resonate with me because we are around the same age, are of the same faith, and it just seems that we lead similar life's.  Both of these women are pregnant again after their loss.  I don't begrudge them their pregnancies, I know how desperately I want to be pregnant.  But it is still so hard to read.  It seems what every stillborn and following pregnancy story I read are all the same.  The waited x amount of time, and got pregnant soon after they decided to try again.  Why can't it be this way for us?

Thomas at 30 weeks

This month I really thought I was pregnant.  I didn't tell anyone. not even Andy.  I was 5 days late, but hadn't taken a test because I could not bare to see another negative.  And today Aunt Flo showed her ugly head. 

So here we are.  Still waiting, wishing, hoping, and praying that we will be blessed with another sweet child.

Let me get to the point now that I have vented big time.  I need to move on with my life.  I feel like I've been putting things on hold waiting to get pregnant.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm mainly talking about my weight, which lets face it I could stand to loose a few (and probably a few more).  I kept telling myself not to start dieting or anything because this might be the month you get pregnant and then you'll just start gaining weight anyway.

Well no more.  I start exercising for real tomorrow morning bright and early.  No excuses, no waiting for something that might happen. 

Having another baby is in the Lords hands, I need to remember that.  I also need to remember that there are things that I can control in my life and start taking charge again.