A Present

Today I did something that I have been putting off for a while.

I bought Thomas his birthday present.

We decided that we would donate presents on Christmas and on his birthday to celebrate and remember our sweet Thomas and his birthday is next week.

I haven't wanted to get the present, because that would mean it has been a year.  A year since we were given the worst news a  parent can ever be given.  I didn't and still don't want to recognize it.

I've been to the store several times to get him a present, but every time I just stood in the toy aisle and stared.  I would pick something up and put it back.  I would ask Ellie what we should get and she would always go for princess or Minnie, and I would explain that Thomas is a boy and wouldn't want that.  Eventually I would just leave and not get anything.

With Ellie I knew what to get her for her first birthday because I knew her.  I knew that she loved to push things around.  We got her a grocery cart and she loved it.  With Thomas, I don't know.  I really don't know anything about him.  That was what made it so hard to pick out a toy.  To realize the fact that I don't really know anything about my son.  I don't know what his likes and dislikes would be, how he would interact with his sister, what his smile looks like, what his voice sounds like, what color eyes he has.

I do know some things, and really they are the most important.  I know he is perfect.  I know he was too good for this world and that he lives with our Heavenly Father.  I know that I will be with him again, and that Andy and I will be given the opportunity to raise our son and that after this life, I will know his likes and dislikes, how he interacts with his sister, and everything else I wonder about him.

With the realization of those facts, I went to the store today and picked out his present.