Empty Arms

Today I was holding baby Gabe, one of the kids I'm helping with, and I had a moment.  I've held Gabe many times and I've never felt the loss of Thomas.  Today I did.

I was rocking him and he looked up at me with sleepy eyes, and gave a classic gassy baby smile and slowly shut his tired eyes.

It brought me back to the hospital when I held Thomas for 20 precious minutes with no one else there.  When I thought to myself, soak it all in now, because this moment will have to last a lifetime.

I don't know what it is like to have Thomas look at me.  To be sleepy and so content to be in his mama's arms.  I don't know what color his eyes are, what his sweet little voice would sound like.

My arms feel so empty sometimes I can't handle it.  I want so desperately to have that beautiful exhaustion and be frustrated with having a 2 year old and a 10 month old.  But I can't. 

I just have to think of a short time in my life when I got to have Thomas, and rock him.  Then I have to remind myself I get him for eternity, so I have to go on, and wait for that glorious day.