I spent the last week in Washington with my family and it is killing me to leave today. I had the best time. Ellie played like there was no tomorrow with her cousins. She finally warmed up to her aunties on the last two days and gave them some loves. I sat with my sweet nephew while he cried himself to sleep because he didn't want us to go.
Being with my family gave me some therapy, that I'm not sure they knew they were giving me, that I really needed. It allowed me to come to terms with my grief a little more. I dread leaving Thomas behind in Utah. I know he is not really there, but his grave is where we go to be physically close to him. It's almost like I'm having to give up my last little tiny piece of him.
Most days I don't allow myself to dwell on my grief, but maybe it was having to say goodbye to everyone for the next 8 months that made my emotions get the better of me last night. I cried and cried last night thinking about my sweet baby. We had a birthday party for Ellie yesterday and I thought about how I should have a 2 month old who is getting passed around for everyone to hold. How I should be exhausted and happy for a break while other people loved on my kids and I got to rest. I can't rightly explain how much I want to be exhausted from a baby who has kept me up all night. I miss my Thomas more than I can say.
I'm going to try and be good about updating this blog so that everyone can know what we are doing. Love you all!
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| playing at the lake with her cousins |
Good luck on your drive. I'm glad you got a good visit with your family before you go.
ReplyDeleteTami: I want you to know that I have felt your pain and continue to feel it 13 years later. Our sweet Logan was born in South Dakota where he spent 6 1/2 weeks in the NICU and was later flown to Michigan to another Children's Hospital to undergo heart surgery. He passed away in Michigan and we had his tiny body flown home to Utah to be burried. We had to leave him just a day after buriel to return to South Dakota. 3 months after his passing we moved to Washinton. The day we drove away from Utah and left his grave was the hardest thing for both Brian and I. I often have felt like I knew what the pioneers felt as they burried their babies along the plains never to return. It is so healing to go visit them, to decorate their graves, and to feel peace. I hope there is somebody who will be visiting often and caring for your little Thomas? I look forward to the day when you can return and visit him. One thing that helped me was to plant a tree and some special flowers in my yard in memory of him. It was kind of my memory garden. I even found a little plant called "Baby Tears" that I just loved. You might want to do the same in Florida?
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