Anne Shirley gets me

I recently read a blog post about how great Gilbert Blythe is.  I agree.  I've always loved the Anne of Green Gables series.  I grew up watching the first two movies (not the awful 3rd one) and later I devoured the books.

When I read her post, it reminded me that Anne and Gilbert loose their first child shortly after birth.  I was curious to reads Anne's thoughts and feeling on this, because I've always strongly identified with her character.

"CARROTS!"

I picked up the last two books at the library and I was not disappointed.  Everything that was in that book was feelings and thoughts I've had, but have not necessarily been able to put into words.

• "Kindly callers hurt her, too, with the well-meant platitudes with which they strove to cover the nakedness of bereavement."
•  "Oh, everybody has been so dear and good and lovely to me, Marilla.  I'm not ungrateful- and perhaps- when this horrible ache grows a little less- I'll find that I can go on living."

So many people came over and wanted to talk to us, give advice, comfort, anything they could.  In my heart I knew they did it from a place of love, but it didn't help.  Sometimes I was rude and wouldn't come out at all.  It wasn't that I wasn't grateful, but there is only so many times you can hear how people are sorry for your loss.

•  "It doesn't seem fair," said Anne rebelliously. "Babies are born and live where they are not wanted-where they will be neglected- where they will have no chance.  I would have loved my baby so- and cared for it so tenderly- and tried to give her every chance for good.  And yet I wasn't allowed to keep her."

Even still, when I hear stories of abused, neglected children it makes me sick.  Those people got to keep their babies but I didn't get to keep mine.  I know that it is all Gods plan and that Thomas was never meant for this earth, but sometimes I can't help having feelings of resentment.

•  "But it seems as if a part of me was buried over there in that little harbour graveyard-and it hurts so much that I'm afraid of life."

A part of me is very much buried in Utah.  That care free girl, whose life was basically untouched by sorrow, she doesn't exist anymore.

• "The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

I've had this feeling so much since we lost Thomas.  Especially when the topic of other children comes up.  We already have Ellie and she is such a joy and a blessing.  I honestly don't know what I would have done the last 8 months with out her.  But sometimes when I'm singing to her, or were playing or she learns something new, a sadness enters my heart, because these are things that I won't get to experience with Thomas in this life.  Then there is considering when to have more children.  It was a tough decision to make, but we are trying again to bring another precious soul into our family.  We don't know when we will be blessed to conceive again, but I know it will be a terrifying, and difficult experience.  Especially with not letting fear rule the pregnancy and enjoying the time that I am pregnant.

• "They tell me you have seven children," said Christne..."Only six living", said Anne, wincing.  Even yet she could never think of little Joyce without pain."

Finally there is always the incredibly confusing and panic inducing question of have many children do we have.  I have an internal struggle every time.  Do I say 2 and explain about Thomas and make things awkward, or do I just say 1 and keep it casual?  Every time I battle with myself what to say.  I usually say 2 and quickly explain, but sometimes, I just say 1.  It just depends.

I'm so glad I was able to read these books and connect with Anne Shirley in a new way.  It was very therapeutic to do.

p.s. This is my favorite picture of Thomas.  And took it the morning we had to leave the hospital.  I looked over at Thomas in his bassinet and the sun was streaming in through the window and he looked so peaceful, and I asked Andy to take a picture.