Missing Piece

Since we've lost Thomas I've had wildly different emotions about other people's babies.  Some times its all I can do to put a fake bland smile on my face when someone tells me they're pregnant.  Its not that I'm not happy for that person, I am.  I want nothing more than for people to have a healthy living baby. I wouldn't wish the experience of losing a child on my worst enemy.

I'm thankful that I was able to talk to my sister-in-law Merry who lost her dear daughter Christy 14 years ago.  She helped me realize that I'm not alone in the feelings of bitterness I have with others pregnancies.  She also gave me hope that it won't always be this way, one day things will be ok.  She put it so perfectly "But that is all now, 14 years later.  It doesn't hurt, it just makes me ache a little and wish things had been different".

I did some babysitting this week for a woman from my church.  I didn't think anything of watching a 1 year old, because Thomas would only be 6 months right now.  But that night I was rocking the 1 year old, while Andy was reading with Ellie and tears suddenly filled my eyes.  This was how things should be.  This little boy temporally filled a small piece of the missing space in our family.  I know it wasn't Thomas, and I know that any child we may have in the future won't replace Thomas, but it was so nice to have this feeling of normalcy.

After we lost Thomas I went walking every morning by myself and would listen to a song called "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine.  Its my go to song when I get really low, because it reminds me that I can't let grief take over my life.

"Shake It Out"

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, 

I feel like this song shows my progression with losing Thomas and the battle it is to keep my head up.  When it talks about demons and devils I think of that as my depression and my "what-if" thoughts.  What is I had gone to the doctor when I got sick that weekend?  What if I hadn't confused my contractions for movement?  What if I had moved my regularly scheduled doctor appointment to Monday?  

They are poisonous thoughts.

Thomas wasn't meant for this world, no matter how much I wanted him.  There is a quote from "Little Women" I always think of when I  think of Thomas.  "If God wants me with Him, there is none who will stop Him."  

I love Thomas, I ache to hold him again, and I know that I always will.  I'm so grateful for the plan salvation, and that when this life is over I will have joyful reunion with him.