Then I did loose a child, and there is no amount of precaution that could have prevented his death. I was powerless to save my son. I've had to have the horrible experience of picking out a coffin, burial plot, and headstone for my baby.
I can't say that I'm more paranoid than before, but if Ellie even comes close to getting hurt it paralyzes me. She has a really horrible habit of darting off if we let go of her hand for one second. She has almost been hit by a car 3 times in her short life.
1. We were at Liberty Park in Salt Lake City and she wrenched free from my grip and almost ran into the parking lot. I screamed her name and she stopped right as an SUV drove by.
2. We were at Draper City Park (I guess it's a common theme) and we were walking in a field when Ellie took off running. Now I was 8 and half months pregnant with Thomas when she did this and I think I probably ran faster than I ever have. I grabbed her arm right before she ran out into traffic.
3. Today we were at the library and we were on the side walk and I let go of her hand to grab a newspaper, because she actually had gotten so good about staying right next to me, but she darted out into the parking lot, and thankfully the car that was coming down was paying attention and slammed on their brakes.
It was like time stood still as a saw her run into the parking lot. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think as I threw everything down to grab her. After I grabbed her I had her sit against the wall for a time out for running away. She was crying, and I was crying as I tried to explain as best as I could to my toddler that I already lost her brother, I can't loose her too.
Every time something happens to her now I immediately picture myself doing all the things that I had to do for Thomas, and it destroys me. I can't do that all again.
I'm not sure if this post will make me sound like the worst parent in the world, but these are just things that have happen with a high energy, no fear girl.
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| Right before she tried to climb down the ladder into the lake |
Oh Tami, you cannot be more wrong for thinking you are the worst parent for trying to protect her.
ReplyDeleteA mother does this for her child, and in your circumstances, I bet anyone would react the same way. My grandmother lost 2 babies before she had my mom and Uncles, and I remember being told she acted the same way. It just means you care, and you are afraid of losing her.
Just be vigilant about consequences when she does run off and reminders before you let go of her hand. She'll get it eventually!
Oh man! Runners are so hard. Noah loved to run away and we occasionally lose Olive and Eleanor. It's the worst! I'm so sorry! No one can blame you for feeling how you do. You are a WONDERFUL mother!
ReplyDeleteOh Tami. My heart breaks for you as I try to even imagine what you have been through. All I know is that Thomas is making you into the best person on the planet. You were chosen for this life, and all that comes with it. When your children were in the spirit world, they watched you, and Andy, from across the veil and chose you. I hope that you can find solace in these words. "Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." D&C 6: 33-34 & 36
ReplyDeleteYou are always in my thoughts and prayers.